update

Haven't updated this in a while. Reasons? It caused a lot of trouble and confusion for a lot of (stupid) ppl. Also, there seemed 2 be an influx of comments from ppl who didn't actually know anything about what the hell I was talking about, yet felt compelled 2 write comments that were one or more of the following:

a: wrong
b: pointless
c: lies
d: stupid

There were some that were great obviously, and I'm not saying I mind the er... other... comments... but they did tend 2 turn a lot of ppl against eachother for some unknown reason (kind of funny in retrospect I suppose, but I didn't enjoy having to deal with the "fallout"), and wars broke out and... stuff. Didn't know my blog was such a big deal in your lives... really, wtf? O_o

Anyway, I'm writing this latest update for a reason.

I'm pregnant. Have been since June last year, and I thot it was in my best interest to keep it secret from "the masses". I told a couple of people who I (mistakenly) trusted. They in turn naturally told other people. Ho ho ho. What a surprise...

Anyway, it was a big shock, blah blah, lots of questions about the future, lots of stress, lots of worrying, etc. etc. who cares (and FYI, we used a condom, so I don't need to hear about how "irresponsible" I am or whatever, thankyouverymuch). Point is, I've come to terms with it, and have accepted that it is happening (I've obviously decided 2 keep the baby, for those of u who need help putting 2 and 2 together >_>), and am actually glad it is happening now. I want this. I'm not saying it's the ideal time or whatever, but I've always wanted a baby, and now I have one (due March btw), and that is the situation. I can give up, or I can give it my best, and I'm going for the latter option. I really believe I'll be a good mother, but time will tell.

Anyway, I'm going 2 have to take a break from the internet obviously. I'd like 2 say that it was fun/nice here, but that would be a lie. It's been one of the most horrible experiences of my life. There really are some sickos and weirdos out there, and I was unfortunate enough to meet 2 real "winners", and a third that was a bit of a psycho, but I didn't get emotionaly involved with him, so whatever. My advice: NEVER use MSN, there are ppl that WILL try to hurt u, even if u are the nicest, sweetest person in the world. Feel free to use it if u like, but don't say I didn't warn u =)

Recently I've only been using the internet 2 play a game called Mu, where I have many great friends that I enjoy chatting 2 and spending time with. I've also gotten a high ranking position in my guild, and have certain responsibilities that I have undertaken 2 do. However, now I have a far more important responsibility (my baby), and I'll be taking a break from Mu. I've also been using it (the internet) for other mundane things like homework and stuff like that, but that's pretty obvious, so no need 2 mention it (tho I did... so sue me).

I may also be going back 2 Israel soon (thank god, this country is hell on Earth. I dunno how u ppl can stomach it), which I'm really excited about. Yay =)

I learnt some interesting things here, and am a stronger person for the hardships I've endured. So yeah, I thank those ppl that hurt me so much (u know who u are), for making me a better person, and for teaching me 2 avoid ppl like u =)

I may check in from time 2 time, or I may not. Been... interesting. Cya when I cya (or not at all).

-Kim ^^

This is life?

Ppl tell me to take the good with the bad. It's a nice sentiment, as cheesy cliche'd "feel-good" sayings go, but I'm so tired of receiving huge dollops of bad, with tiny smatterings of good.

I've had a difficult time trusting ppl in my life, for various, very personal reasons. When someone tells me something, I always view it from every possible angle, and try to see whether what they are saying is really true. I over-analyse everything that is said to me, because I've become accustomed to ppl lying to me, so that is what I generally expect to have happen.

So ya, I've become a pessimist, but it wasn't by choice. It's not a habit I can kick, or at least not without a heck of a lot of effort. My life has been full of situations that have made me question myself, my life, and the worth thereof. Sometimes I feel like I don't really belong anywhere, and I've often entertained thoughts about killing myself, just to see what waits on the other side. I think my mother was similar to me in that way...

The truth is that I expect to be hurt. The sad thing is that these expectations are very often met. The strange thing is that I let them get to me more than I should, and the stupid thing is that even though I expect them, I still allow them to happen.

A therapist once told me that I have some sort of "need" to be punished. Like I feel like I don't deserve anything good, because of certain events that have happened to me in the past, and how they changed the way I think and feel. Only some ppl will understand what I mean I guess... It doesn't even make sense to me, though I do admit that it feels as if there is some sort of truth to it, if I think about it long enough. I can't explain it...

Anyway, this week something happened that really tore me apart. At first I was angry, so very, very angry... but now I just feel emptyness, like a part of me has died. I have been lied to again, which isn't a surprise at all, but I've also been cast aside. I guess some ppl are just selfish and cruel by nature, I dunno. The more I think about it, the sadder I get, so I'm basically writing this here, then hoping I can leave it in this blog, and try to forget about it.

I tried to find a song that expresses what I'm feeling right now, but nothing comes close. Even if I were to look for some lame, mopey self-pitying "goth" song, it'd still fall short.

Something happened to me recently that made it impossible for me to give up. It's the only thing keeping me alive right now, and I guess I'm thankful for that. My mom used to tell me that everything happens for a reason, and this particular event happened just in time (before the other event I spoke of 2 paragraphs before), so I'm beginning to see the wisdom in those words.

I write poems every single day of my life, and I noticed that the poems from a month ago were whimsical, happy poems... now they're anything but. I didn't even notice this slow, subtle change until I checked them the other night (at Ross' request).

So then what does this make me? Another annoying, angsty teenager babbling about stuff on the internet that doesn't really matter to anyone else? I guess so. The internet is a cold, mechanical place, so I should expect that sort of reaction here. But then again, I'm also a real person on the other side. I'm a scared, confused 15 year old girl, and I'm all out of ideas. I need someone to talk to about this, and I guess I'm taking "comfort in strangers". I certainly don't expect help, but I would be thankful for it.

I refuse to pretend to be happy when I'm actually sad, so I refuse to write "what people want to read". Don't like what I write? Don't read it...

Thx.

-Kim

Torn

Natalie Imbruglia - Torn

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is
for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's whats going on, nothing's fine I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn. Torn.

There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on, nothings right, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late, I'm already torn.

Impressions (deep title, huh? :P)

It’s amazing how first impressions work. Within the first few seconds of having met someone, you can establish enough about his/her character (even if it’s entirely wrong) to determine how all future interactions with him/her will go. It’s something that everyone does, whether they know it or not.

I wonder though, whether the same rule applies online, or rather, whether it should, given the difference between actually meeting the person face-to-face. Obviously when u meet someone in real life, body language comes into play, as does tone etc. It’s easy to misunderstand someone when u are communicating with them via a purely text-based medium.

I met someone about 2-3 months ago on the internet, and the initial impression I got was rather odd. While I didn’t really know what to make of it, I will say that the impression wasn’t exactly 100% positive. There were some things I liked, but other things that quite frankly disturbed me. This automatically affected every consequent chat I had to with this person. I was careful not to open myself up to them (I’m going to refrain from using the words “him” or “her”, for the sake of anonymity, but by “they”, I am referring to the person), because I did not trust them completely, nor their motives etc.

I have since taken some time to look deeper, to look beyond the assumptions I had made (for my own protection), and to give the person a fresh chance. I’m glad that I did, since it would have been unfair on the person (and rather restrictive to myself) to deny them that chance. Perhaps I’m too quick to believe X or Y, without actually finding out whether it’s true or not. My own safety is my number 1 priority, so I would normally rather choose to believe whatever negative connotations I apply to the person, than put myself in danger (potentially, if u prefer) and continue conversing with them, in order to find out. Better safe than sorry? I dunno.

My opinion of the person has changed dramatically, and I suppose I’ve learnt something from the experience, which is always a good thing. The problem with communication via the internet though, is that u can only go on what the person is saying to u, there is no real way to validate what he/she is saying. It comes down to trust, and that’s something I find difficult, even in real life. So I try to find other ways to learn more about him/her. I ask questions, and how they answer, as opposed to the actual answers they give, give insight into who he/she really is. Sometimes I will actively try to irritate him/her somehow (by answering questions with a single word, by being dismissive etc.), and see how he/she responds. I like to think I’m subtle enough that they don’t notice, but I still feel kinda’ guilty about the whole thing.

So yes, I have a real problem trusting ppl, though I feel it doesn’t really give me a right to mess about with certain ppl the way I described above. I see it as necessity, but it’s probably not really fair, considering that I expect 100% honesty from the ppl I talk to, and thus I should give the same. So yes, I am sorry to those of u who’ve seen me act this way. It’s not intended to hurt or upset u, it’s really just a defence mechanism, but I apologise, since it’s not really fair on u.

It still leaves me with a problem. How do I trust the person? Do I just trust them, and allow myself to believe whatever they tell me? Some ppl say that since it’s on the internet, ur not actually in danger. But then other ppl say that there are ways that a person can get hold of u. I’ve heard about stalkers/rapists/murderers etc. finding their victims on the internet. It might be silly to think like that (especially if u allow urself to be ruled by the fear), since if ur careful, then it supposedly won’t happen to u, right? But what does that actually mean? Be careful? You mean like don’t trust anyone? Now we’re back to square 1, and just going in circles. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I also want to look after myself.

So I know there are lessons in there somewhere, but I’m having difficulty figuring out exactly what they are. I guess I need to think about it some more. I’d like to hear everyone else’s comments though. I’d love some help here =)

Thank u

-Kim

Love?

I haven't done this for a while. Sometimes I try to say something to someone via my blog, which means I don't have to approach that person directly, and am able to avoid embarrassing/awkward situations. If he/she reads it, then it's up to him/her to interpret that as being directed at him/her or not. I suppose I take it as a sort of "sign" if they do or don't. Like if u have a potential explosive situation, and dunno if u should talk to the person, then u sort of leave it up to fate.

The problem with this approach however, is that u end up confusing everyone else.

I'm glad ppl know about how Ross feels about me now. It's something I've come to accept, and even appreciate. I know that Ross would be good to me. He would be faithful, kind, caring and loyal, and would always be there when I needed him. It's just the sort of person Ross is, and everyone that knows him, knows that what I say is true. But, I don't know if I love him. I know he loves me. I don't know why or how, but I know he does. I used to doubt what he was saying, just because I can't understand how it's possible, but I've been shown certain things which made me realise (finally) that what he was saying was true.

I love Ross so much, but not in the way he loves me... I'm struggling with this, and I wish I could just go against what my better judgement tells me and give myself to him fully. I wish it was that easy. I know he's an amazing person, and that he really does love me, so what is holding me back? I have no idea.

Ash has told me that I should follow my heart, and do whatever I think will make me happiest. She loves both myself and Ross, and I know she would support whatever we did 100%. I probably wouldn't be alive without her in my life, but that's another story.

I'm not really equipped to deal with this. I've always tried to avoid making decisions that can significantly alter your life. I know they will come, but not usually at the age of 15 =/

So where do I go to express what I'm feeling? My blog I guess. I suppose it's some sort of romantic fantasy every girl has that ppl actually care about what happens in her life, and wants to publicise it for whatever reason. In reality there are only about 6 ppl who will read this, and actually care... I mean really care. But I still love reading comments from other ppl, simply because it gives the whole thing a different and fresh perspective.

Maybe I shouldn't worry so much about coming across as another annoying, angsty, confused internet teen. I just need help with this, and I don't really have anyone else to talk to that will understand. Either way, I appreciate all the support I've gotten so far, and any and all comments/advice etc.

Thank you.

-Kim

Lessons

I think I have been very stupid the last two weeks or so.

The only thing my father ever really taught me, is that there is a lesson in everything, whether what happens to u is good or bad...

I have let my guard down in this place, and it is not the first time. All three times I have ended up getting hurt, and u would think I'd have learnt the lesson by now.

Maybe I am too trusting. Maybe I am too eager to make friends, or to see that no one gets hurt. But the funny thing is, I am usually the one that ends up getting hurt in the end.

Always the ppl come to ask for forgiveness again, and always I accept their apology. Maybe I will only learn the lesson when I refuse for the first time? It is something that is difficult to even think about. I cannot see the faces of the ppl, and I do not know what they are really thinking, only what the words on the screen tell me (maybe I am contradicting my previous post here, but I don't think I even care anymore).

I am hurting very much right now, and I am also very angry. I have been taken advantage of in these situations, and I feel that I didn't deserve it. It is the ppl I trust most, that hurt me the most. I am sure there is a lesson in there somewhere...

I was happy for a short time, and for that I am grateful, but I have learnt that such things do not last very long here.

Online relationships

I've been thinking...

Ppl seem to be very against online relationships. It has a stigma about it, that makes people inherently feel that it's just "wrong". The reason for this, is because everyone has heard of the bad things that happen with online relationships. But that's just the thing, no one is going to publicise the good stuff, are they?

Do you think a newspaper or online news site is going to publish person X and Y's "happily ever after" story after they met online, then met in real life, and decided to get married? Of course not! They are going to publish all the scandalous stuff, like the sweet 16 year old girl who turned out to be a 40 + year old peadophile or whatever.

If u think about it, this is just another example of people following the crowd like sheep. If ur careful, then the negative stigma shouldn't apply to u. Anything can look bad if taken out of context, and that is what the news media excels at.

Naturally there's also the "nerd" stigma attached to online relationships, but if you can get over the first hurdle (that it's "bad" or "wrong"), and actually give it a shot urself, I think u'll find that it's a nice way to meet ppl, even if u only end up being friends in the end... you can never have too many friends =)

There are some postive aspects to online dating. For example, if ur not confident about what u look like, then it's easier for u to approach ppl without having to face awkward silences or strange moments of not knowing what to do. You can just walk away, if it really comes down 2 it. =P

The reason I'm going on about this is because one of my best friends is in an online relationship, and my other friends are giving her trouble about it. They say they're joking, but it still hurts her.

I just want ppl to think a bit, and see this from other ppl's perspective.

Thx for reading

-Kim